The heart knows no bounds when it comes to passion. Maybe I was out-of-bounds as I kiss my secret lover on stage in front of all my family, friends and fans. Worst of all is when my actual boyfriend Jack sees us. I’m uncontrollably shaking and vibrating from my out of control feelings as Jack runs out to confront us.
In addition to the shakes, I’m purring like a cat. Jack is bereft, stomping off the stage in tears. I’m tempted to bow to the stunned audience, after this melodrama caps an evening of multiple performances, from classical to rock and even schlock.
He winks at me. I’m too fucked up to smile back. The rest of the performers surround Jake and me. No one says a thing. Jill runs off to find Jack; she’s his only supporter.
I try to speak, but the purring gets in the way and won’t stop. Jake barely knows anyone and doesn’t know what to say but tries.
“It’s just in the heat of the moment. Your show is incredible. You guys played for six hours.” It’s one o’clock in the morning.
“It’s been going on for a while, ever since we first met,” my purring subsides. “I wanted him to see us perform.”
“You sure know how to finish a show,” Michael laughs. Everyone relaxes, shaking their heads and laughing.
I look around. Most of the audience is still there, fascinated by our melodramatic finish.
I go to the mic. “Thanks for coming. Remember that this show is about Jace. We’ll never forget him. I guess you now know that life goes on. I’ve moved on. Jace is always in my heart, and I hope he stays in yours.”
There’s a smattering of applause. Everyone is too confused about what happened. “Gays,” is the common explanation, “they just can’t help themselves.”
I run backstage where Jill is holding a sobbing Jack in her arms.
“Here,” she turns to me, “this is your job.”
A terrified Jack looks at me, with the tears flowing. “Why?” is all he says.
I hold him. No words are going to help. Finally, he gulps and slaps me, turning away. I deserve it. It makes me realize that Jake is out on stage with no one to support him. I return to him, sitting on the right front edge of the stage.
“I got carried away. I’m sorry to embarrass you.”
“I’m more thrilled than embarrassed. What I need most is something to eat. Anything open this late?”
“Are you up to being with everyone right now.”
“You know where I want to go.”
“Maybe you could use some calories to keep up your stamina.”
“We could go to Sambo’s?” I ask.
“Let’s face the music with your friends. Will Jack be there?”
“He ran off by himself. Let that sleeping dog lie.”
“And who’s been living a lie?”
I sigh. “I don’t know. It’s so confusing here. It’s like going backwards in time.”
“That’s me all the time I’m with you.”
“Stop acting like a guilty kid. I’ll never hate you, but I go back to Hollywood tomorrow. The only time I felt in my element here was playing with your patron’s jazz quartet. Even playing Rimsky-Korsakov seems weird with that odd keyboard.”
I hug him and we join the group waiting to go to Sorrento’s. Pizza – wonder food for the heart (of teenagers at least). Mike Sr. has us join him with his college buddies on the ride to Calle Ocho. The jazz group, including Jake, is abuzz about opening for a rock act. They avoid talking about me. Jill has come along with us. Mike Sr’s renews his ‘special’ attention he usually pays her. Maybe he’s emboldened by Jake and me.
I remain loyal to Jake, by sitting at the adults’ table. They all order entrees. I decide to grab several slices from the kids’ table. They understand I need to be with Jake and don’t try to snag me.”
“Jeez, Tim. You produced a show of every type of music from 19th Century Russian classical to the popular music of today, as well as spoken word. Everything but Shakespeare in the Globe Theater replica,” Jake compliments me.
“Well, ‘All the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players upon it,’” I quote.
“Did that boy actually write his own routine?” Mike Sr. asks.
“Well, Jace would be proud of what you did tonight in his honor.”
Jace does cartwheels on our table. A couple of wine glasses overturn. We’re all glad to know he enjoyed his show.
Jake starts rubbing my knee in anticipation of our next stop. I know I’m about start purring. I jump up and thank Mike Sr. for hosting a stupendous New Year’s Eve party. I drag Jake away as quickly as possible. The adults have wry smiles on their lips, knowing what my rush is all about. We grab a taxi there in Little Havana and are soon at the Grove hotel. I’ve already been purring for several minutes. Clothes are scattered from just inside the door all the way to the glass balcony door. Jake takes me from behind and we rut so hard that we both cum within two minutes of penetration. The evidence is on the balcony’s door, including a smeared impression of my lips from Jake pushing my head against the glass. I wrench away from him, his dick popping out of my butt. We giggle as I pull him to the large and much more comfortable bed. I’m not vibrating but have an insatiable need to fuck Jake. I go down on him, starting at the trail of hair below his belly button, while squeezing both of his nipples. He’s writhing in sexual stimulation. I relent by taking his rejuvenated dick in my mouth. He lays on his back as I kneel between his legs with his dick deep down my throat. He holds my head steady, thrusting upward into my lips. I move my hands from his nipples to his tightening butt cheeks, massaging them as they push upward. My middle fingers finds his butt hole, scrapping the outer ring.
“Ahh, ahh, ahhhh,” he moans as I slowly enter him each time he thrusts into my mouth. His breathing became ragged. We’d both cum once, so I assume he can control the next orgasm regardless of how much I stimulate him.
His breathing is totally ragged as he nods vigorously. That’s all it takes. I raise his legs over my shoulders, letting his dick plop out of my mouth. Sticking the head of my dick just an inch into his butt, I grab his spit-slathered shaft with both hands. As I rock into him, I squeeze and stroke his slimy dick. Fully inside Jake, I pause to rhythmically stroke his rigid dick. He writhes under me as I firmly hold fully inside him. I feel his prostrate pulsing against my hard-on. My dick’s tip do its turn backward, telling me I’m about to cum.
“Let’s go. Let’s go,” I order, speeding up my thrusts, with quick short pushes deep inside him. His arms hold me around the small of my back. He tightens and holds on as I race to orgasm. Shorter and shorter go my strokes until I hold my throbbing dick motionless. The pulse starts beneath my balls, building and building, moving through my scrotum and into the base of my dick. The vibrations start again as my whole body shakes more and more. The orgasm approaches the head of my dick. I let go just as Jake spurts all over us. I throw my head back, giving a final thrust. Every muscle in my body goes into uncoordinated contractions as I explode deep inside Jake. I collapse and pass out.
The next thing I know, I come to with Jake laying next to me. The sweat and smeared cum is washed off. We cuddle under a single sheet. I’m not shaking or even purring. I’m satisfied. It’s complete. Jake is smiling at me.
“You passed out.”
“I used to do that when I was a kid at 15.”
“All grown up now?”
“Obviously not,” I giggle.
“You are so cute,” he kisses me chastely, maybe even tentatively. Is he afraid I want to fuck him some more. “And so hot.”
I just want to curl up with him and sleep. He kisses me on the forehead.
The next I know it’s mid morning and breakfast is being delivered. Jake is embarrassed by the look he gets when the bell boy sees how young I am. I giggle at his discomfort. It isn’t my fault I’m only 18.
“What are we doing today. I’m done with the band for now.”
“Well, have some coffee and read your review in the Miami Herald.”
“Read it to me,” I order. Jake smiles, showing me the photos Jimmy took. He reads:
Return to Glory
False Gods, our local rock heroes, returned to performance after a twenty month hiatus. The site was a Shakespearean era replica of the Globe Theater at the home of local civil rights attorney Mike Antonio, on New Year’s Eve. It was a reprise of the 1974 New Year’s Eve tribute to their murdered founder, Jace Conning. They played for four hours that year to ten thousand fans. This time they played for six hours to mostly friends and fans-in-the-know. The boys all graduated. The range of their musical interests has blossomed in many directions. You cannot call it a rock show when a suite of Rimsky-Korsakov opens, followed by a jazz quintet entertaining the older group’s cocktail party, a sixteen year-old doing a Mark Twain spoken word tall tale, then a country music segment, followed by a Doo Wop a Capella serenade, turning into a 50’s sock hop/dance by the popular party band, the Out-Crowd. At that moment the original False Gods band reprises their reflections of Miami life plus songs from guitarist Tim Castle’s times in Iowa and singer Jack Stone’s new band at Harvard. Not to be outdone, drummer Michael Antonio and his girlfriend Jenna sang a Carpenter’s duet to each other, Miami’s own Romeo and Juliet. Back came the 16-year-old to countdown the seconds to midnight. Guitarist Castle related difficulties he’s encountered at his work on a movie in Hollywood, singing several songs by Tom Petty, his partner in crime at the Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, . The songs, ‘I Won’t Back Down’ and ‘I’m So Bad’, reflect how he won over his fellow workers by beating down a bigot. A final tribute to Jace was Rod Stewart’s ‘You’re in My Heart,’ performed by backup singer Jill Wilkie, as everyone joined arms and swayed to her sweet voice. The music complete, Tim and Tommy sat at the stage’s edge and told about their days together after escaping from the corrupt juvenile detention camp, The Program. Tommy recounted the tall tale about their encounters with a 28 foot alligator called ‘Gatorsaurous.’ This ended the night’s celebration. I counted 21 different performers, doing music from classical to jazz to country to doo wop to 50’s dance pop to goth rock to English soul to South comfort rock as well as spoken word. The only thing missing was heavy metal, unless you include an Iggy Pop-imposter swinging from a balcony in the middle of False Gods’ monkeyshines song.
This concert/performance was a one-off, never to be repeated. But we look forward to what these kids will do next. They prove that there’s more to music than sitting at home and listening to records. I look forward to the movie Tim is working on. It’s called ‘Animal House.” That sounds just about right for these kids.’
“Hooking yourself to my star,” I point to his photo.
“Not quite front page news yet,” he laughs.
I wiggled my butt on his lap, which instantly perks him up.
“A little sex, to go with your coffee,” he needles me.
I shudder and purr into his ear. I’m insatiable. We were back in bed, soon experiencing morning delight. Jake takes it easy on my butt. We’re under a time limit as his flight to LAX leaves in the early afternoon. Hotel check-out is at noon. We take the shuttle bus to the airport, riding together, unable to say goodbye until the last moment. We get stares from strangers for my odd behavior of purring when I hang onto him. Finally, his flight is in final boarding.
“I’ll see you soon,” is all he says. Then we kiss, drawing real looks of surprise. He disappears into the jetway.
I’m so depressed. Jake is gone. Jack is broken-hearted. I know I’m not in love with Jake.
It’s such a strong sexual and intellectual connection, but the romance is not there. We both know it’s a fling, yet the future is still to come, just unsure. That is part of the excitement. Apart from the teen drama, we had the greatest weekend together. I need someone to straighten out my head. Jace appears – Teen Jesus to the rescue.
“I know we’re not meant for each other, but he makes me so horny.”
“You’re just frustrated that Jack is such a little nerd.”
We laugh. “I still love the little nerd, but he’s locked me out of his heart.”
“I can still talk with him. How about a conference call?”
“He must hate me right now.”
It’s like the time I went to Switzerland and saw him in the seminary. Jack is laying on his bed, crying his eyes out. I gulp, from guilt, but keep silent.”
“What’s up, Jack-Off,” Jace uses Tommy’s nickname for him. “Tim abusing you again.”
“I hate him. He’s just so mean.”
“Not willing to share with his middle-aged lover?”
“It’s worse than with Tommy. Then it was just perverted child molestation.”
“Hey, remember I’m still fifteen. Tommy’s older than me now.”
Jack stops crying. “I’ll always love you, Jace. We were the same age when we started fucking.”
“That’s when we all had the sex pact. Tim’s called it off, since I never grew up.”
“I still love you, Jace.”
“Then let me fuck you,” Jace kids him.
Jack’s in tears again. He has lost both of his long-term lovers at once.
“How can I? My heart won’t open to him. First I was afraid he had stopped loving me. Now I know it’s true.”
“Well, tell him right now.”
“Yeah. He’s right here. He still loves you. You’re too much of a nerd to realize it.”
I step into the dream. “If you would just trust me again, you’d know I’ll always love you,” I swear.
“How can you love him. He’s so old.”
“We’re not in love. It’s strictly about sex.”
It was always all about him.
“Naw. He thinks I’m in love with my composer.”
“The old guy. He’s cool but his music is lame,” Tommy’s advice from the peanut gallery.
Jace pipes up, “Jack’s too insecure to trust Tim in his heart.”
Jack is not happy we’re dissecting his love life. “All I’ve ever wanted was for you to love me, Tim.”
Jace and Tommy laugh.
“Don’t always believe wet dreams. They’re just a sticky reminder that your sexual needs are not being met,” Tommy is now a sex counselor. Jack moans.
“You want the real truth, Jack?” I see his eyes grow wide. “I was glad you weren’t in my heart and able to see all the sex I’ve been having in Hollywood, and even in the City.”
“I just jerked him off, after a trick took his money and left him hanging.”
Jace and Tommy are laughing their asses off. Jack is less than pleased.
“He’s seventy years old.”
“Seventy-three in February, But he is a Harvard grad.”
“That supposed to make me feel better?”
“It has nothing to do with you. I felt sorry for him.”
“Now you feel sorry for me.”
“No. I’m just sorry you feel this way. I can’t be in your heart unless you trust me.”
“How can I? You’re such a slut.”
“You love Jace, and you’re not jealous that he’s fucking Tommy.”
“I’m fucking him,” Tommy asserts.
“What’s wrong with me?” Jack was still dismayed.
“Nothing’s wrong. You just are too possessive. My dad says it’s how all rich people are.”
“You don’t love me because I’m rich?”
“You’re just insecure. And you insist on getting your way. You made me throw Tommy under the bus. He was only fourteen. He was bound to grow up and change. Jake’s 42 (they all gasped). He won’t change but I will.”
Finally, Jack sees some sense in my logic. “How can you cheat on me and still think you love me?”
“Wake up, Jack. I’ve always loved more than one person at a time. I still loved Scott even after I was in love with Jace. We just didn’t know it yet.”
Jace smiles. He knows I always loved him.
“Does that mean you can’t leave Jake to be with me now.”
“Jake’s gone back to LA.”
Jack’s face falls. It means he can’t prove I love him more.
“You don’t want me to come over?” I ask.
“Pool party,” Tommy exclaims.
“More likely to be a sex party.”
“I ain’t havin’ sex with ol’ Jack-Off.”
“All made up, now?” Jace’s reputation as couples counselor is established.
“Of course,” I readily agree.
“I guess,” Jack still feels abused. His heart remains shut to me.
“Jist the way ol’ Huck is,” Tommy asserts. “Git used ta it.”
“Then, come pick me up. I’m at the airport.”
“Fucking two-timer,” Jack sniffs.
“Let’s go to Sorrento’s,” I suggest, pizza to the rescue. “You missed it last night.”
“I was exhausted after the show,” is his excuse.
“I’m sorry you saw that kiss. It ruined a wonderful show for you. Did you see Jimmy’s article in the Herald?”
“Mummy showed me. I ran off crying. I never read it.”
“Let’s go to my house. Max and Winston will cheer you up. We can read it there.”
“Okay,” he sniffs.
“He only mentions me because I go to Harvard.”
“Check out all the photos,” as I pass him the Calendar Section.
He instantly sees himself playing the Rimsky-Korsakov with Jake. He crumples instantly, back into a pout.
“Com’n Jack, He’s a great guy. You played so well together. Stop competing for my heart. If you win, I’ll lose him. I’m not in love.”
I’m not in love
So don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because
I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because
Songwriters: ERIC STEWART, GRAHAM GOULDMAN
© EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, SCHUBERT MUSIC PUBLISHING INC.
As I sing to him, his doubts disappear, accepting that his place in my heart is secure. Then, the doubts rush back in, as he realize I may be singing about Jake. As I complete the song, he clutches me, not willing to let go. He finally opens his heart to me. Maybe it’s worth cheating to break him down enough to open up . Jace joins us in my bed. Max sits beside us and barks.
“No. We’re not going to Robby’s,” Jack declares.
We all laugh, knowing how Jack changes when stoned. He is so insecure.
As if by cue, Robby swings in my window.
“All made-up, my little chickadees? Time for make-up pizza to celebrate our grand return to fame. How much did we get paid for last night?”
“Mike Sr put a thousand dollars in each of our trust funds.”
“That sucks. I havta go to college to spend it.”
“What about Mr. Clark’s offer to get you into Rollins?”
“That’s just high school with ash trays.”
We all pile into Jack’s Cabriolet. Jace is sitting on the trunk, whooping it up, while Max chases us down the street, barking. Soon all the neighborhood dogs have joined him barking. Only Winston won’t leave his yard. Good boy.
“You’ll just hump Tim ‘cause ya got yer boyfriend back and then start cryin’ again ‘cause ya lost ‘im in the first place. Here,” he hands me a joint, ‘spark it up when yer alone together. No one wants y’all fagging off whiles we eat.” Robby winks.
“How about you and Mr. Clark?” I switch our attention to Robby.
“There ain’t nothin’ ta tell.”
“Maybe if you grow up and go to college, you’ll find you actually have a heart. He’ll be so pleased.”
“Don’t be fantasizing about my non-existent love life.”
“You and Mary no longer together now that she’s in college?”
“She ain’t got time for me.”
“Maybe she don’t want to hang out with the junior high stoner club in your bedroom.”
“Don’t stop y’all from comin’ over.”
“Max makes me. He craves his daily fix of second-hand smoke.”
“When will you grow up and stop believin’ in ghosts?”
Jace slaps him. He looks all around. Everyone else laughs. I relent my anti-pot crusade. Pizza has arrived. I slip out and call Flo from a pay phone, asking the three of them to come to Sorrento’s. When they arrive, the boys whoop and welcome them. Hanging with just guys is just not mature any more. Flo slips into the booth next to me and promptly snaps my briefs. It pleases her that she still turns me on. Edi has Jack’s attention. His disgruntled mood disappears. Michael calls Jenna, who arrived to take him away to high school life again, just as we finish .
“Michael’s still living out high school drama,” I remark after they leave. “I told his dad to get him a job so he doesn’t miss college social life.”
“I think he joined one of those frats where we played,” Robby is more in the know.
We sit there reliving old band days.
“Now that yer in Hollywood, why not get us to reunite there and storm the music industry?” Robby suggests.
“My job is to line up a band to play 50’s covers in a movie. At first, I thought it’d be perfect for ‘False Gods. But I hired a black band instead.”
“I can’t be in a cover band anymore,” I explain. “Even last night we mostly played covers. And the songs about our lives don’t really say what we do now.”
Maybe rock n roll is a high school fantasy and college is where you give up on that dream.
“So, you’ve just moved on, like ya did on poor ol’ Jack,” Robby is never one to stop rubbing salt in a wound.
“We all have, except for you. What’s keeping you hiding away in your bedroom with 15-year-olds?”
“Don’t give me shit. At least I stay high. You obviously don’t maintain.”
He just stares at me.
I turn to the girls. “How’s college life? Your parents still bein’ over-protective?”
Flo speaks up, “That ends when they marry us off. College life is great. I might actually be learning something. We’re planning on getting an apartment off campus together.”
“The Jacettes – ready to storm Hollywood.” My tiny apartment will be great grist for a soap opera.
The waiter brings us our bill, no longer on the godfather’s complimentary list. I pay by credit card. Dave and Jeff stare bug-eyed.
“Let’s go swimming at Jack’s,” I suggest. On the way out, I call Tommy in Lauderdale. He’s out the door before I hang up.
Mummy and Daddy retreat to the sitting room when we show up. Jack assures Mummy that all is fine again between the two of us. I swim laps until Tommy shows up. It turns into a raucous splash party with everyone in the pool.
As we lay on the deck, working on our non-existent tans, Mr. Stone draws me aside.
“Dorothy says you boys made up.”
“For the twentieth time, yes.”
“I realize you’re both just eighteen, but I’ve become very fond of you. Not just because you’ve drawn Johnny out of his shell. I hope you know I’ll always consider you part of the family.”
Dad’s voice reiterates his premise that the rich remain possessive of everything, especially people.
“You’ve already done so much for me. My dad’s middle class values insist that I be able to reciprocate, and not just by loving your son. I’ll always try to make you proud of me.”
“I’ve come to like being middle class. Just don’t tell Mummy.”
We laugh. Still no BankAmericard, but I have my own bank account and a trust fund – a true sign of being middle class is aspiring to move up.
Isabelle cooks for the whole crew. Everyone but me gets steaks. Somehow a chicken cordon bleu appears before me. That lady loves me. I love her cooking. After dinner we retire to the sitting room. Mummy requests a song. Everyone but Jack and I are exhausted from the previous night. I get up and sang my sappy love song to Jack, without accompaniment. He loves it. Of course, Mummy is in seventh heaven.
“I never feel this way.
Happy and full of play.”
I wake up every day,
You’re by my side,
You reach and touch,
I say goodbye.
There is no future,
But we have now.
“We’re perfect for each other,
I never think of another.”
Can’t be love, but who can say
I know you’re here to stay?”
There’s no future,
But we have now.
‘We can’t live by ourselves.
We need people that we love
We hate those who hate themselves
We know what they’re made of.
Love, love, love
I need your love
I need your love
I need your love
I need you
No histrionics and I don’t go down on my knees in front of the little nerd. Everyone but Tommy is entranced. He’s the only high school kid there. He has to leave by nine to get Auntie Em’s car back on time. I walk him out to the car. Sitting together on the front bench seat, he slides over to me and we cuddle.
“Y’all was right, Huck, I ain’t rilly gay. But there’s times my asshole just aches fer yer. I’s taught my girlfriends to use their finger up there. Gets me off so hard, they wants to do it all the time. Only trouble is, all I’s thinking about is y’all, up my butt.”
We laugh. I have no advice about that problem. We kiss for the longest time. I figured I’m kissing away his faggy youth. He’s just sixteen.
Next it’s time for the Jacettes to leave. Flo and I take a long walk, talking about all the changes in our lives. She never doubts that I love her and cherish all the memories of our semi-sexual encounters. She prides herself for not betraying her virginity and is happy I showed her ways to be fully satisfied without vaginal coitus. That’s not what we talk about. It’s our hopes and plans for the future. Living off-campus with Edi and Mary has her all excited. She even thinks Jenna might join them next school year, although she doesn’t think a rich girl would want to live with three Puerto Rican chicas.
“As long as you all go to Church, her parents will be fine,” I predict.
“We can’t give up Pastor Santos,” she exclaims.
“It’s not the sect that’s important but the fact that you’re trying to lead a good life. Our college girlfriends’ parents were shocked that we made their daughters go to Catholic services, but their attitudes are ancient.”
“What is your college girlfriend like?” Flo is conflicted about sharing me.
“She’s just like my twin sister, Angie. She calls me on all my crazy ideas and keeps me grounded. She counsels everyone.”
“Is she pretty?”
“She’s pretty fierce. I don’t think she has time to bother with making herself pretty.”
“Am I prettier?” she has to know.
I draw her closer and we kiss. “You are one hot mama.”
She snaps my briefs but I’m already hard. She is ready to blow me, but I’m not about to have her on her knees in front of me. She snaps me again and I cum. Control is two-way street. I’m careful not to spray her. Her eyes get bigger, as I go off several times. Luckily we’re behind a tree in Jack’s fancy neighborhood. We walk back into the house, both looking guilty. Robby is quick to figure it out. Mary and Edi drag Flo away to get the details. Jack just shakes his head, confident he’ll be next.