We all ride to the store after practice. Felix sizes the boys up and questions whether they are gay enough. I quietly tell him that is his job. He takes them into the dressing room. They are putty in his hands.
We all walk into the Youth Center side. The place is packed. Different groups of kids are gathered in various corners. There even appears to be a gay section, equally mixed with both girl and boy same-gender types. The hardcore is all girls. A more mixed group is girls with their boyfriends. It is a little people’s convention. Once they see us, we are surrounded. They want to know who Dave and Jazz are. We explain about the new band, the Out-Crowd, which has been playing kids shows for several months.
The boys want to know if Out means out of the closet. Dave answers all the questions and explains they’re straight but are our friends from the neighborhood.
“Out-Crowd means the opposite of the In-Crowd, so I’m sure there are fans who are gay. We’re just about making everyone feel included, not just gays.”
The nerdy kids surround Jazz who acts as uncomfortable as they do.
“Why don’t you play some songs. Jack and I’ll will sing and play guitar,” I suggest.
We set up the equipment, now kept at the store. In a few minutes, we start off with our signature ‘ABC,’ by the Jackson 5.
It’s a radical change from the hymns Jack and I had been playing for them. Kids are dancing in their socks. A couple of boys come up and we let them sing. Dave and Jazz are into it, so we go to speak with Felix.
“We’re going on tour for Easter to get ready for our concert debut in April. Hopefully Dave and Jazz can fill in for us.”
“But they’re not gay,” he complains.
“Yeah, but they’re more these kids’ ages and can relate.”
“Next we’ll be opening in the mall.”
“Relax, Felix. You’re making a profit and providing a place for kids to be themselves.”
“Whoop dee doo.”
Felix gives us the briefs to wear that day. We go back to the Youth Center. We pull up our tees and show off the wares. Dave and Jazz show off their’s. 
At first the girl buyers seem confused, but in the end they decide to get all styles. Felix’s sales are double for the day. As we ride back to the Gables, Dave and Jazz are giddy with $100 in their pockets. Dave has collected a bunch of telephone numbers and is wondering if 12 is too young for him. I tell him to have Guido pass the numbers along to Mike Sr.’s assistant so he has a way to contact them as fans. As they head to Dave’s, he asks, “You guys wouldn’t really make us watch you fuck each other?”
“Would have been educational.”
“I’m a dropout, remember?”
“There’s no test at the end.
“What did you tell the youth group about me last week?”
“You heard about that?”
“My friends think you’re some kinda hero for being gay. Now they suspect me.”
“Sorry. It’s all that Teen Jesus stuff.”
“You gotta tell them I’m not gay.”
“The whole point is there’s nothing wrong with being gay.”
“Unless you’re forced to watch them do it.”
“You loved being chased down the street by two gay guys.”
“You’re worse than Robby.” And he punches me.
“I tell the kids to report anyone who abuses them.”
“You’ll be hearing from Father Joseph,” Jack warns him.
“I’m sure I will.”
They ride off with Casper riding behind Dave, who was oblivious of the arms wrapped around him.
“Excited about the video shoot?” I ask Jack.
“What am I supposed to do? I wasn’t there. You played guitar and sang by yourself. I hardly knew you then. It was to die for when you used to say hi in English. I would get there early, hoping you wouldn’t ditch that day. When you came in the door, I’d look up and you’d smile. It felt like my balls would drop to the floor.” 
“You were crushing. Sorry I was so oblivious.”
“But you chose me for Titania. It was the thrill of my life.”
“Not when we fucked the first time.”
“Well, you spoiled that by telling me it was a wet dream, and that it was really Casper. It felt totally different the first time we did it.”
“You mean when I fucked the shit out of you for thirty minutes after beating up Robby.”
“That wasn’t the first time. We’d been doing it with Casper.”
“Then the first time alone ‘cause I really had to ‘do’ you then and couldn’t control myself.”
“Yeah, you’re an animal. But what I meant was the way your dick felt the first time it was really inside me”
“You like that, huh? Now you got me going.” I pull him upstairs and throw him on the bed. As I reach my climax, my moaning gets higher and higher. We are two squealing pigs. I am on my knees, holding him firmly off the bed as he hangs on. We slowly crawl forward and at the end his head is banging against the head-board with every thrust. I do not even notice when he cums. When we are done he says he climaxed three times, his first multiple orgasms. Once is enough for me. I just keep kissing him and telling him I love him so much. Sitting in the window is Casper. He’s been there long enough that the sex pact rule was not broken.
“I’ve never seen you fucking before,” he signs. “You’re a stud.” 
I motion for him to join us. We hold Jack in the middle, our love child. I look longingly into his eyes. It gives me shivers that Casper is looking at me just as he had done after being shot.
“We love each other so much we cannot let go,” I sign.
“I should spend more time with John, so you love birds can be alone.”
“What about the pact?” I sign.
“Fuck the pact, you fuck so much better when it’s just the two of you. I’m a distraction. He deserves all of you.”
I start to sob. Losing him is happening all over again.
Jack wakes up. Seeing my tears, He asks what the matter is.
“Casper thinks you deserve all of me. He says I fuck better when he’s not here to distract me.”
“No! I love Casper, too. I’ll be so sad if he leaves. It’s not fair. Does he want to leave?”
“No,” he signs. “I want Tim to be happy and for you to have all of him.”
“I love you, Casper. I will be destroyed if you leave. It’ll ruin everything.” 
Casper holds both of us together.
One big, happy family. And families celebrate birthdays. Wednesday is Casper’s 16th. I tell Mike Sr. we need the studio to record the Jace Tribute, but really it is a celebration of his life, like the Tom Sawyer episode where he and Huck get to go to their own funeral, dressed as girls. It is sounding familiar. Of course, only a few of us know that Jace never left us.
The band is told to show up at the studio at 6 am to meet the recording crew. We walk in looking for coffee. A short man with bushy eyebrows meets us. He looks Italian. 
“Do you work for Mr. Antonio?” I ask.
“Yes, I do. And you work for me. Are you the singer?”
“And guitarist.”
“Follow me to the editing room. I have a lot of ideas and need to know if you can do what I need. How old are you?”
“Sixteen.”
“Perfect. Do as told and all will be well. Tell those other kids, there’s coffee in the front office.”
I yell the directions to them and catch up a second later.
“Good,” he says, “at least they follow directions. Are you the leader?”
“Pretty much.”
“Well, this is how it goes. I’ve blocked out scenes to shoot in front of a green screen. I’ll mix your performance here today with the footage shot in January. Look at these stills and notice what you wore then. I’ll send for everyone’s clothes if you all still have them.”
I look and recognize my usual white button down and black trousers. I write a note for Mom to give the outfit to the messenger.
“Now, I’ve blocked out all the songs for you to perform. Ever been filmed before.”
“Just my first communion.”
“Good boy. I’ll tell you what to do. If you have a question, wait until we’ve done the scene my way. This is your band, but it’s my movie. Trust me and I’ll trust you. You have the song list you did?”
I hand him our set list.
“These Beatles songs are a problem. They never assign their rights to anyone.”
“Wasn’t ‘A Little Help from My Friends,” written by someone else?”
“I’ll have it checked. “Love’ is definitely out.
“Our band has a ‘Love’ song we wrote after listening to theirs. We could do that and see how it works.”
“Okay, we’ll do it. I‘ll decide if we use it. Take the mark-ups and let every band member know where to stand and how to move. What are we going to do with your little boyfriend?”
“I thought he could sing with me. We harmonize well as he sings alto to my tenor.”
“Regular Lennon-McCartney buggers are you?”
“I don’t think the Beatles were gay.”
“Get over yourself. I meant that’s how they harmonize. But we can’t have an extra body in the shots.”
“Can he sing offstage? We’ve arranged the songs that way.”
“This isn’t a recording studio where we’re going to mix and overdub. We need it to be raw.”
“That’s fine, but doing a duet will bring out my emotions.”
He thinks for a while. “Okay, we’ll make like you’re singing to the dead guitarist. Tell your boyfriend we’ll take lots of footage of him but not while you’re playing. Half this documentary’s going to be you guys doing this recording session. It’ll all be impromptu, so he can be in it. Make this work today, or we shit-can the whole project. There’s no time for re-shoots.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Jesus, what kinds rock n roller are you. Call me Martin.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Jesus.”
“Yes, my son.”
I give everyone their marching orders. Robby is the only one to complain.
“There’s the door,” I tell him. “We don’t need a second drummer.”
I take Jack aside and explain how I am to be singing to a dead Jace. He will be the second voice. He does not care that he is not in the video.
I show Martin the new Pink Floyd album. We listen to ‘Wish You Were Here.” He agrees it is perfect for the last song, making a note to obtain the rights.
He takes Jack and sticks him at the far end of the room on top of spare speakers.
“Ya gotta look like you’re singing to the dead.” Martin explains to me.
Casper sits next to Jack. I will not have to stretch to nail that scene.
Martin tells me it is good to cry a lot. “So, don’t hold back.”
I panic, thinking how hard I had worked to stop crying.
We start with ‘Shine on, You Crazy Diamond.’
It was the song we dedicated after night we really made love. The tears come easily. Martin does not say a word about my crying, neither mocking me or encouraging the water works. He just lets them come easily. After doing the Pink Floyd, we move on to the Lou Reed songs. Martin takes a greater interest in their performance, stopping us several times. Obviously he is much more into a New York sound, than arty English rock. On ‘Walk on the Wild Side,” he captures the girls doing the doo da doo backup vocals.
He even changes the lighting so they look more Black than Hispanic. He asks me for a song with the girls, so Mary and I do our duet from ‘Free Bird.’
Where are those two boys who do the pop songs?”
“Still in school?”
“At 4 in the afternoon?” We have been recording for ten hours. It feels like we just started.
“Then they’re at the University pool for swim team.”
Off goes another assistant. I call Mrs. Watt and ask her to bring Stu and Mike Jr.’s outfits to the studio.
“The boys were devastated they weren’t asked to be in the movie.”
“I didn’t think about it, since they’re in the other band. It was the director who wants them.’
“My baby’s going to be high as a kite for weeks. I can’t stand it.”
“Not exactly high, I believe. But stick around and watch. I know you love seeing them perform.”
“Oh, Tim.” 
“And we’re having a party to celebrate Jace’s 16th birthday.”
The boys come running in, Stu doing the rounds introducing himself to everyone. When he meets Martin, he ask if he gets to wear makeup.
“Why, so you’ll look thirteen?
John straggles in after them. 
Mom Watt arrives with the boys’ outfits. Martin makes her sign releases and hires her as chaperone on the set. He sits her in a director’s chair Soon they are chatting away. I notice that a camera is recording this scene. Mom doesn’t notice. I go over to listen and hear her retell the ‘Proud Mary’ story and how Jace taught all the kids to sing ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ when we went caroling for Christmas. She then makes me come over and sit on her lap, as she tells Martin all my Stu adventures, when he was ten. I am squirming to get away, but she knows how to control that behavior. She even tells about our adventures with the hillbillies in North Carolina. I cannot remember if I have any editorial control on this project. I doubt it.
Once we finish with the boys’ pop songs including the Max version of ‘Ben,’ they go home with Mom Watt. I ask John to stay, since it is a celebration for his brother. Martin then asks what we did when we finished at Viscaya.
“Toked up,” Robby yells, pulling a joint from behind his ear. Martin lights him up with his cigar lighter, then moves back so we can be filmed committing a felony. He takes John and seats him next to his director’s chair. Somehow he gets John to open up and talk about Jace. Maybe he is a pretty good director after all.
We start talking about Jace. Max appears once he smells la mota. He’s been sleeping in a corner. Max puts on a show as we all give him shotgun hits. 
He stumbles, rolls over, and sticks his legs up in the air. Casper comes down and rubs his belly, until he returns to his corner, putting a paw on his head ‘Our Gang’ style. 
Everyone has Max stories. Robby tells how Max came over and made him get up and give him bong hits when he was so depressed after being kicked out of the band. Martin asks why he was kicked out, and Robby shows restraint (for once) and says, “I have a mean streak but Tim is making me work on it. He thinks he’s ‘Teen Jesus.’
“And you’re my Judas.” I laugh.
“So, trouble in paradise?”
“Robby’s an instigator and everyone was telling me I had to ‘grow a pair’ to straighten him out.’
“Yeah, knocked me down and kicked the crap out of me so I was in bed for a week. Max came and rescued me. We both need our weed.”
Everyone is telling funny stories about Jace, until Edi burst into tears, saying she misses him so much. Casper is beside her, giving hugs and kisses.
“I feel like he’s right here, with me, trying to reach me and make me feel better.” 
Flo reveals the underwear selling gig we have at the gay shop in the Gables, pulling up my shirt and snapping my waistband. 
Edi pulls up Jack’s. He stands up and twirls around so everyone can see, the perverted extrovert. 
We have not finished recording. We now do our Love song to replace the Beatles song at the end of the concert. Martin has gotten us stoned, so we will be relaxed. He explains he will show us leaving the castle and meeting a thousand fans who are waiting for us to finish the kids’ party. The rougher the recording, the more authentic it will be. He does not know we always play stoned.
“And when we do an album of the movie’s music, we can use your song as the single, since we don’t have to pay anybody for the rights.”
We set up. I have Jack come up so I can sing with him. Instead of copying the Beatles’s opening of dut da dat da dah, we go ‘da dah dat,’
“Love, love, love
“I never feel this way.
Just happy full of play.
I wake up every day,
You’re by my side,
You reach and touch,
I say goodbye.
There’s no future,
But we have now.
Don’t ask,
some way,
somehow.”
We’re perfect for each other,
I never think of another.”
Can’t be love, but who can say
I know you’re here to stay?
There’s no future,
But we have now.
Don’t ask,
some way,
somehow.
‘We can’t live by ourselves.
We need people that we love
We hate those who hate themselves
We know what we’re made of.
Love, love, love
I need your love
I need your love
I need your love
I need you’
Copyright MIB Tar Larner 1982
We are so stoned, I cannot tell if it is any good. So we do the Drugs song.
‘We take drugs but I don’t understand
How you let things get so out of hand
It’s no fun to be a bore
Waiting around for you to score
When you’re high stay close to me
Teach me to fly & how to be free
Please don’t cry, its only the drug
You won’t die, just give me a hug
Heroin & cocaine make a speed ball
Dilaudin or codein soften the fall
Thorzine puts you away for a while
Acid & beer will make you smile
Needles give hep, AIDS & the flu
For that rush that’s what you must do
Crystal meth is the best
But forget about sex
Whiskey & ‘ludes make me real rude
Acid & pot will make your brain rot
PCP takes you away from me
Red & beers chase away the fears
Do you still love me or is it the drugs
I love the sex but need your hugs
Together we are happy, apart I am sad
Without a connection we always go mad.’
Copyright MIB Tar Larner 1983
Martin says, “Great, That’s a wrap.”
Iggy jumps up from the hole he had been hiding in, “You haven’t done my song.”
“Who’s this?” Martin asks.
“That’s Iggy,” I introduce him. “He yells at us from the crowd that we haven’t done any American metal. We let him do the Stooges’ ‘Search and Destroy,’ and if the crowd likes him, he does Iggy Pop’s ‘I Wanna be Your Dog.”
“Go get Max, if he is not too stoned. We can do the dog song.” 
Iggy is stretching out his 15 minutes of fame.
Martin then has a big birthday cake brought out, stenciled ‘Happy 16th Jace.’ Mom Watt has come through. It lasts about a New York minute as everyone has the munchies.
Martin pulls me aside.
“You guys were great. I wish Hollywood stars were as easy to direct.”
“Can I see it when the editing’s done.”
“If you come to the City.”
“We will be there for Easter. We’re playing St Patrick’s.”
“Playing? like your Southern Death Rock?”
“We promised to stick with hymns. It’s the Teen Jesus thing.”
“This will be your next movie. Kid Rocker goes straight to Heaven, bypassing several Popes to sainthood.”
“You can shoot it.”
“I will film it, if you’re really playing the Cathedral on Easter morning.”
“Maybe we’ll do the Southern Death Rock show on Good Friday, if I can get Andy Warhol to let us play the Factory. 
I met him once.”
“How old were you then?”
“Fourteen. When he found out, he screamed and said to come back when I’m legal; he’d make me a star.”
“I’m going to make you a star. Why don’t you let me book you at CBGB’s that night? Andy can try to resurrect you for Sunday.”
I smile, “It’s a deal.”
The film crew leaves, which lets us celebrate with bong hits. I call Grant and tell him to bring his crew over. He’s impressed big time we have a studio. Jack has been quiet for a while, but the pot brings him to my side.
“Wanna go explore?” I suggestively suggest.
His stoned eyes perk up, knowing what I want. Casper is wrapped up with John who is smiling as part of the group. I want to be alone with Jack. I realize he is becoming strictly a bottom in our love-making. Because he is slight and obviously loves getting fucked, it might be his natural role. But I want him to fuck me as well. It was not a problem with Casper/Jace. And Scott was a total top. He was so enamored of me, so he let me fuck him and enjoyed it. Could Jack enjoy being a top?
“You’ve got that look. What’s up?” he asks as we settle into the dark control room away from every one.
“Do you like fucking? I mean being the fucker.”
“Sure, I love fucking you. Maybe I like getting fucked too much?”
“No. You never hold back and are open, literally, to anything.”
We laugh.
“What’s this about? Do you think I’m a queenie bottom?”
“I guess it might be seeing Scott again.”
“Jesus, Scott?”
“He’d offer himself to me like he owed it to me. He was so straight. He just naturally wanted to top.”
“You were the queenie bottom?”
“No. I had to assert my desire to top him. Maybe that’s why we went looking for girls.”
“You want to see me assert my top abilities right now?” Jack has that glint in his eyes I love.
“That would be nice,” I demurely smile at him. 
He rips his shirt off, beats on his chest and yells like Tarzan, pushing me to the floor and pulling down my trousers and briefs. He never hesitates as he proceeds to fuck me silly. I lock my legs around his waist and squeeze as hard as I can. He slaps me across the face, and we unlock.
“I can’t breathe,” he says, collapsing on top of me. He slaps me again, “Take that bitch.”
“Yes, mastah.” I quip.
He rolls off, still breathing like he can not get enough air. After five deep breaths, he jumps up, pulling on his jeans. He runs out of the control booth. I hurriedly put on my clothes and get back to our studio in time to see him tackle Casper, who is sitting with John. He drags him into a space behind some spare amps. John looks distressed at what appears to be spastic actions on Jack’s part, unable to see his brother being dragged away. I hurry over and keep the others from investigating what Jack is doing humping and groaning in the corner.
Robby figures out what’s happening.
“Looks like Jack has grown a pair. From the looks of Tim, Jack just took it out on him.”
Everyone laughs. I glance back and see Casper with his ass stuck up taking Jack doggy style. 
That is not going to last long. Soon Jack is howling so much that a stoned Max comes over, licking Casper’s face. It is true Max lovin,’ doggy style. 
Jack finishes, pulling up his jeans, with a deranged look on his face. He zeroes in on Edi, grabbing her hand, he drags her back to the control booth. Everyone follows them, with Mary and Flo looking highly concerned. The door is locked. With no lights on, we can barely make them out. At first, Edi is saying, “No, No.’
Then it was, “Not there, move it back a little.”
Then, “Yeah, that’s how to do it. Oh, Jack, oooh, Jack.”
This goes on for quite a while. We try knocking on the door. We are sure he is raping her at first, but her cries of pleasure change our minds. I smile and realize Jack changed to anal, thereby saving her virginity. It’s his elitist instinctual response. Casper and I have done well in bringing up our boy. Finally, they come out. Edi looks totally flustered and immediately runs to the Ladies with Mary and Flo. Jack saunters over to me and gave me a big kiss. Turning to everyone, he announces, “Don’t worry, I saved her virginity by using the back door.”
Everyone is in hysterics. The girls do not come out for twenty minutes, but when they do, the go to Jack and kiss him in approval of his thoughtful technique. It must be his superior breeding. Casper is sitting with us, with a satisfied look. I know what it feels like.
“You satisfied that you got your orgy, birthday boy?” I sign.
“Well, it was a three-way until Robby and Mary got it on while you all were so concerned about Edi. It is an orgy. A great one.”
John totally ignores our behavior, a typical kid. I go over and ask what he talked about with Martin.
“He’s the first adult who really listens.”
“Did you talk about Jace?”
“Yeah, I told how he tried to defend me against Jeff, even though he was only ten. How my mom never believed him when Jeff lied about the things he did to us.”
“You talked about the abuse?”
“Naw. Not ready for that, yet. But I think Martin knew and didn’t press it. He did ask if he could put what I said in the movie. I don’t care as long as it isn’t going to make people think I’m a gay.”
He moves over and lets me put my arm around him.
“You make me feel safe. I wish you had always been there to defend me, like you did for Jace. I was so happy when you beat Jeff down and told him to stop abusing us.”
“You feel safe at the Watt’s. Right?”
“Yeah, they’re a real family. Why would they take in a loser like me?”
It’s what Coach had warned me about him regressing when he starts talking about the abuse.
“You’re a great kid, John. Every time I see you, I see Jace loving you, showing you to how to play, holding you in your sleep, just happy to be with you.”
“Really, you see him? I swear I can feel him near me.”
“I know he’s in my heart. He tells me he’ll always love you, like he loves me.
Casper is holding John and crying. The blue wispy tears are falling around us, glittering in the dim light.
Jack is glowing from the spotlight on his new studly self. When he sees the tears, he comes over and hugs John, who settles into his arms as well.
“Jace?” Jack asks.
“Yeah, John can feel his love right now.”
The others started gathering around. They all whispered, “Jace?”
I have not cried so much in forever. I swear to go back to the new me tomorrow. All ten of us are gathered around Casper and John, crying and laughing. Max comes over 
and licks the blue tears away. Somehow Martin knew to have a camera taking stills every 15 seconds. This is the picture on the back of the Jace Tribute album
. If you trace the empty spot in the middle of the huddle, you can just make out Jace’s outline. It’s like playing a Beatles album backwards.
Tim at Swim 